You can search for your bad writing habits
and highlight them to double-check when you’re
revising. This process will make you more aware
of your bad habits, and your first drafts will
gradually become cleaner.
In MS word, search and highlight using
the “Replace” function. If you’re
more technologically adept, you can program
a macro to search and highlight your entire
“hit list” at once.
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I’m doing final edits on a manuscript that’s
due next week, so I’m very aware of some
of my own bad habits. Here’s one of them:
He/she/I knew/thought/realized:
Do you need the knew/thought/realized? These words
may distance the reader.
Here’s a “before and after”
example from my RT Reviewers’ Choice 2009
nominee, She’s on Top.
Heroine Rina tells her girlfriends about Giancarlo,
the guy she once met at music camp. He’s
the one man she’s never been able to forget,
and he still gives her sexy dreams. They urge
her to track him down.
“Maybe he still has magic fingers,”
Jenny teased.
“I doubt it.” Only in her dreams.
For the next paragraph, the before version read:
She realized her expression must have given
her away, because Jen said, “Okay, spill.
What’s up?”
The after version is:
Her expression must have given her away,
because Jen said, “Okay, spill. What’s
up?”
See what I mean? The “she realized”
serves no purpose, and is less immediate than
simply stating Rina’s realization directly.
Here’s another example, after Rina does
reconnect with Giancarlo. He is speaking:
“No, no, it was partly, too, that I
didn’t want to work that hard. You, now,
I remember how hard you practiced. But me, I was
always ready to desert the piano and go play.”
This is followed by a line of Rina’s introspection.
The before version read:
Or play on the piano, she thought, and tried
not to blush.
After I revised, it read:
Or play – that is, have sex –
on the piano. She tried not to
blush.
I often find that when I remove a thought/knew/realized,
I’ll end up dividing one sentence into two
shorter, punchier ones.
Of course, there are many situations where you
do want to include a thought/knew/realized. For
example:
Now, after nine years with other women, he
knew the feeling wasn’t just unusual, it
was unique.
They’d been moving together for a few
seconds before he realized they were making love
in time to the piano music.
And there are some sentences that work either
way. Here’s a final version:
As he escorted her toward the front door,
she thought that maybe it wasn’t such an
unusual thing for guests to depart the hotel in
the wee small hours.
But it would have also worked to say this:
He escorted her toward the front door. Maybe
it wasn’t such an unusual thing for guests
to depart the hotel in the wee small hours.
How do you figure out whether to include the
thought/knew/realized? Try writing the section
both ways. In some cases, you simply can’t,
or the result is ridiculous. If you can, then
read both versions silently, and also read them
aloud. See which best suits the character’s
voice, and your own voice as a writer. If you’re
still in doubt as to which is most effective,
ask another writer, or even a reader, which works
best for them.
Award-winning author Susan Lyons is a member
of RWA-GVC. She writes sexy romance for Kensington
Aphrodisia and sweet short romance for The Wild
Rose Press. Visit www.susanlyons.ca
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